Melania Trump Excuse Generator, 2018 Oscar Nominees

-Here's what people are talking about.
I saw that today a White House adviser
compared President Trump to Houdini...
[ Laughter ]
...because, "If you keep him in a cage, he's going to get out."
[ Laughter ]
When asked how he knows that, he said,
"'Cause we put him in a cage, and -- and he got out."
Yeah, that's right.
He said, "Trump's like Houdini."
If you think about it, Trump is a pretty good magician,
because in the past year
he sawed his approval rating in half
and made everyone who worked for him disappear.
So that's not bad. I'll give it up.
[ Cheers and applause ]
In the meantime, Trump keeps
demanding money for his border wall,
even though there are limited funds.
Trump is like that couple on "House Hunters"
who wants a five-bedroom mansion on a $70,000 budget.
It's like, "And it has to have marble countertops.
That is a must. I won't even look at it."
[ Laughter ]
Still, the White House is calling the deal
that reopened the government a win for Republicans
and a loss for Senator Chuck Schumer.
Well, we actually got ahold of Schumer,
and here's what he had to say.
First he said...
Then he said...
Then he said...
And then he said...
And finally his necklace said...
[ Laughter ]
It just kept going, falling as he was --
[ Applause ]
Meanwhile, the White House announced new restrictions
on washing machines imported to the U.S.
It's partially to protect consumers,
mainly 'cause Trump was eating too many Tide Pods.
And he g-- Don't do that. Don't do that.
I saw that Melania was supposed to go to Switzerland
with Donald this week, but is backing out due to
"logistical issues."
It turns out Melania uses a lot of different excuses
to get out of things with her husband.
She even has her own excuse generator to come up with them.
I'll show you how it works.
For example, when Donald asks,
"Do you want to join me at a campaign fundraiser?"
She says...
"Unfortunately I'm...
actually attending a fundraiser for...
Oprah."
[ Cheers and applause ]
-It works. -You see how it works?
Next up, when Donald asks,
"Do you want to watch the Super Bowl with me?"
She says...
"I totally would, but...
there's a government shutdown... in my mind."
[ Laughter ]
-Wow.
-And finally, when Donald asks,
"Do you want to have dinner with the British ambassador?"
she says...
"I can't, I have an appointment to...
take our dog to the vet... right after I buy us a dog."
Well, that's interesting. You don't have a dog.
Hey. Oscar nominees were announced today, you guys.
The nominees...
[ Cheers and applause ] It's exciting.
Nominees for Best Picture
include "Lady Bird," "Get Out," and "The Shape of Water."
[ Cheers and applause ]
While the favorite for Worst Picture is still this.
Ooh, that's unfortunate.
Hey, this is cool.
The History Channel show "Pawn Stars"
is celebrating its 500th episode.
To celebrate, the network gave the producers gold watches,
which they immediately knew were fake.
[ Laughter ]
Finally, I saw that a grocery store in Scotland
had to let an employee go
for not being helpful enough to customers.
But it's kind of an odd story. Take a look at this video.
-A Pepper robot named Fabio
was recently given his rolling papers
from a Scottish grocery store
after he failed at, well, being human.
He allegedly would not listen to directions
and had often directed people to the alcohol aisle
when it didn't know how to answer a customer.
[ Laughter ]
-The good news is, when they heard he wasn't helping anyone,
he was immediately hired by Home Depot.
There you go. We have a great show tonight.
Give it up for The Roots, everybody!
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Melania Trump Excuse Generator, 2018 Oscar Nominees - Monologue

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