The Secretive FBI Secret Society Is No Longer A Secret

OF COURSE, THE BIG STORY IN WASHINGTON CONTINUES TO BE
ROBERT MUELLER'S RUSSIA INVESTIGATION, AND A LOT OF
REPUBLICANS THINK IT'S COMPROMISED BECAUSE OF ONE
F.B.I. AGENT WHO WAS ON MUELLER'S TEAM: PETER STRZOK.
SUSPICIOUS.
WHO PAID THAT Z TO BE SILENT?
( LAUGHTER ) LAST YEAR, IT CAME OUT THAT
STRZOK AND HIS GIRLFRIEND, ANOTHER F.B.I. OFFICIAL NAMED
LISA PAGE, HAD EXCHANGED TEXTS DURING THE ELECTION THAT
DESCRIBED DONALD TRUMP AS AWFUL, AN IDIOT, AND AN ENORMOUS
DOUCHE.
( LAUGHTER ) OKAY.
THAT -- THAT IS WRONG.
HE'S ONLY 239 POUNDS.
( LAUGHTER ) AND EVERYONE'S BUZZING ABOUT A
TEXT UNCOVERED JUST THIS WEEK.
APPARENTLY, THE DAY AFTER THE ELECTION, STRZOK'S GIRLFRIEND
TEXTED, "ARE YOU EVEN GOING TO GIVE OUT YOUR CALENDARS?
SEEMS KIND OF DEPRESSING.
MAYBE IT SHOULD JUST BE THE FIRST MEETING OF THE SECRET
SOCIETY."
GOTCHA!
( LAUGHTER ) BECAUSE WHEN YOU'RE IN A SECRET
SOCIETY, YOU ALWAYS MAKE SURE TO CALL IT "THE SECRET SOCIETY."
AND YOU MEET IN A PLACE WITH A BIG SIGN THAT SAYS "SECRET
SOCIETY MEETING," AND HAVE A SECRET HANDSHAKE WHERE WE SHAKE
HANDS AND WHISPER THE WORD "SECRET."
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, ABC NEWS GOT A HOLD OF THIS
TEXT AND CONFIRMED IT WAS STAND-ALONE, ONE-OFF JOKE.
BUT WHAT DID THEY MEAN BY "ARE YOU EVEN GOING TO GIVE OUT YOUR
CALENDARS?
SEEMS KIND OF DEPRESSING"?
WHAT CALENDARS WERE THEY SPEAKING OF?
WAS IT SOME ELABORATE F.B.I.
PLAN THAT UNFOLDED OVER MONTHS?
CLOSE.
THEY WERE TALKING ABOUT "VLADIMIR PUTIN-THEMED CALENDARS
FOR THOSE WORKING ON THE EARLY STAGE OF THE RUSSIA
INVESTIGATION."
IT WAS A GAG GIFT.
THE GIFTING WAS THE CALENDAR, THE GAGGING WAS WHEN TRUMP WON.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT THERE'S ONE PERSON WHO TOOK
THESE TEXTS VERY SERIOUSLY, AND THAT'S WISCONSIN SENATOR AND THE
NATION'S HIGHEST RANKING WHITE WALKER, RON JOHNSON.
( LAUGHTER ) JOHNSON.
A SENATOR!
HE WENT ON FOX NEWS TO ARGUE ABOUT THE EXISTENCE OF THIS
SECRET SOCIETY WITH THE FERVOR OF A MAN WHO KNOWS PEOPLE ARE
DOING STUFF WITHOUT HIM.
>> CORRUPTION AT THE HIGHEST LEVELS OF THE F.B.I. NOW.
SECRET SOCIETY?
WE HAVE AN INFORMANT TALKING ABOUT A GROUP THAT WE ARE
HOLDING SECRET MEETINGS OFF-SITE.
THERE'S SO MUCH SMOKE AND SUSPICION--
>> LET'S STOP THERE.
A SECRET SOCIETY?
SECRET MEETINGS OFF-SITE OF THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT?
>> CORRECT.
>> STEPHEN: REALLY?
CORRECT?
INFORMANT?
THOSE AREN'T THE WORDS I'D USE WHEN A SITTING SENATOR GOES ON
TV TO WILLFULLY MISINTERPRET A JOKE TEXT TO PANIC THE PUBLIC
THAT THE F.B.I. IS INVOLVED IN A DEEP STATE CONSPIRACY TO
OVERTHROW THE PRESIDENT.
WHAT'S THE WORD FOR SOMEONE WHO'D DO THAT?
OH, YEAH.
ENORMOUS DOUCHE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE, AGENT STRZOK.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
GWYNETH PALTROW'S HERE.
AND WHEN WE RETURN, COVETTON PARTNERS WITH GOOP.
STICK AROUND!
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The Secretive FBI Secret Society Is No Longer A Secret

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