Weekend Update on Fire and Fury

♪♪♪ >>> Announcer: IT'S
"WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> THANK YOU.
>> GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE. HELLO.
>> WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE." I'M MICHAEL CHE.
>> I'M COLIN JOST. >>> THE BOOK "FIRE AND FURY", A
SALACIOUS EXPOSE OF THE TRUMP WHITE HOUSE, WAS RELEASED LAST
WEEK. AND THEN THIS WEEK THE SEQUEL
WROTE ITSELF. >>> DURING AN OVAL OFFICE
MEETING ON THURSDAY, TRUMP ATTACKED PROTECTIONS FOR
IMMIGRANTS FROM AFRICAN COUNTRIES, WHICH HE CALLED
S-HOLES. THAT'S WHAT NBC ASKED US TO SAY,
BY THE WAY. S-HOLES.
EVEN THOUGH THE PRESIDENT CAN SAY [ BLEEP ]HOLE.
OOPS. AT THIS POINT, I FEEL BAD FOR
PARENTS OF YOUNG CHILDREN. EVERYTHING YOU YELL AT THEM FOR,
THEY CAN BE LIKE, "BUT THE PRESIDENT GETS TO DO IT."
THE MOST INSANE THING, OF COURSE, IS THAT TRUMP SAID A
BUNCH OF RACIST STUFF RIGHT BEFORE MARTIN LUTHER KING DAY.
WHICH IS LIKE POUNDING BEERS IN THE CAR ON THE WAY TO REHAB.
NOW, I'M WORRIED ABOUT WHAT HE'S GOING THE SAY THE DAY BEFORE
PASSOVER. [ LAUGHTER ]
TRUMP SAID INSTEAD WE SHOULD TAKE MORE IMMIGRANTS FROM
COUNTRIES LIKE NORWAY. AND NORWEGIANS WERE LIKE
AMERICA? WE'RE NOT GOING TO THAT SHAATHER
HOEVEN. >>> YOU KNOW, IF I'M BEING
HONEST, WHEN SOMEONE ASKS ME, "DID YOU HEAR WHAT DONALD TRUMP
SAID ABOUT HAITI AND AFRICA?" I WAS LIKE, "OH, BOY.
DID IT START WITH AN N?" BUT THEN I HEARD WHAT IT WAS.
AND I WAS LIKE, "THAT'S IT? I HAVE SAID THAT ABOUT COUNTRIES
FOR NOT HAVING A CVS. HERE'S THE THING.
MY JOB IS TO MAKE JOKES ABOUT THE NEWS.
BUT TRUMP SAYING SOMETHING RACIST ISN'T EXACTLY NEWS
ANYMORE. IT'D BE NEWS IF TRUMP SAID, "YOU
KNOW WHAT WE NEED MORE OF IN THIS COUNTRY?
HAITIANS." AND BY THE WAY, HE'S NOT THE
ONLY ONE THAT THINKS LIKE THAT. I'VE LIVED IN THIS COUNTRY MY
ENTIRE LIFE AND I'VE BEEN ASKED TO GO BACK TO AFRICA SEVERAL
TIMES. AND IT'S NEVER BEEN BECAUSE THEY
THOUGHT I WOULD ENJOY IT THERE. DONE, YOU DO REALIZE HOW RICH
THESE PLACES ARE IN RESOURCES, RIGHT?
I'M MEAN, THEY'VE JUST BEEN ROBBED AND EXPLOITED FOR
CENTURIES BY WESTERN POWERS. SO CALLING IT A [ BLEEP ]HOLE IS
LIKE TELLING THE KID YOU MOLESTED, "BOY, DID YOU GROW UP
WEIRD." [ LAUGHTER ]
IT WAS REPORTED THAT JUST BEFORE THE ELECTION LAST YEAR PRESIDENT
TRUMP'S LAWYER ARRANGED A SIX FIGURE PAYMENT TO
SETTLEMENT TO COVER UP AN ALLEGED AFFAIR BETWEEN TRUMP AND
PORN STAR STORMY DANIELS. SO AT LEAST THERE'S ONE STORM
TRUMP WILL PAY FOR. I JUST ALSO WANT TO POINT OUT
WHAT A THRILL IS IT TO BE ALIVE IN AN ERA WHERE "PORN STAR
BLACKMAILS PRESIDENT" IS LIKE THE FOURTH BIGGEST STORY OF THE
WEEK. AT THIS RATE, A YEAR FROM NOW,
WE'RE GONNA SEE THE HEADLINE "TRUMP FOUND WITH DEAD HOOKER"
RIGHT NEXT TO A CROSSWORD PUZZLE.
[ LAUGHTER ] >>> AT A CABINET MEETING ON
THURSDAY, TRUMP CALLED FOR FOR TOUGHENING THE COUNTRY'S
LIBEL LAWS TO MAKE IT EASIER FOR PEOPLE TO SUE MEDIA OUTLETS FOR
MAKING FALSE CLAIMS. TAKE A LISTEN AND TRY NOT LAUGH.
>> YOU CAN'T SAY THINGS ARE FALSE, KNOWINGLY FALSE, AND BE
ABLE TO SMILE AS MONEY POURS INTO YOUR BANK ACCOUNT.
AND WITH A STRAIGHT FACE. HIS LACK OF SELF AWARENESS IS
ALMOST ADORABLE. AGAIN, HE'S NOT TOTALLY WRONG
ABOUT THIS. HE'S JUST THE WORST POSSIBLE
PERSON TO POINT THIS OUT. HE LIES ALL THE TIME.
IT FEELS LIKE I'M LISTENING TO O.J.
COMPLAIN ABOUT THE LOOPHOLES IN THE JUSTICE SYSTEM.
>>> IN A PRESS CONFERENCE, PRESIDENT TRUMP SAID IT SEEMS
UNLIKELY HE WOULD HAVE TO BE INTERVIEWED BY ROBERT MUELLER AS
PART OF THE RUSSIA PROBE, BECAUSE QUOTE, "THEY HAVE
COLLUSION." IT'S ALMOST LIKE I'VE HEARD HIM
SAY THAT BEFORE.
>> THERE IS NO COLLUSION. THERE'S BEEN NO COLLUSION.
NO COLLUSION. NO COLLUSION.
THERE'S NO COLLUSION. THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO
COLLUSION. >> HE SAYS "NO COLLUSION" THE
WAY A DUMB ASS FRAT BOY WOULD SAY "NO HOMO."
IT'S LIKE, I MET UP WITH THIS RUSSIAN GUY THE OTHER NIGHT, NO
COLLUSION. JUST REPEATING THE SAME THING
OVER AND OVER DOESN'T MAKE IT TRUE.
FOR EXAMPLE, EVER SINCE TRUMP GOT ELECTED, HALF THE COUNTRY
HAS REPEATED THE PHRASE, "THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING."
AND YET IT VERY MUCH IS. >>> IN A NEW INTERVIEW,
PRESIDENT TRUMP SAID THAT HIS TWEETS ANTAGONIZING KIM JONG-UN
ARE PART OF HIS STRATEGY. SAYING, "YOU'LL SEE THAT A LOT
WITH ME. THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN, SOMEBODY
IS MY BEST FRIEND." IT IS A STRATEGY EXPERTS REFER
TO AS EARLY ONSET DEMENTIA. >>> SPEAKING OF DEMENTIA, TRUMP
UNDERWENT A PHYSICAL EXAM ON FRIDAY.
AND HIS STAFF RELEASED A STATEMENT ANNOUNCING THAT TRUMP
IS IN EXCELLENT HEALTH.
THAT'S RIGHT. THIS GUY, PRESIDENT DRUM STICK
IS IN EXCELLENT HET. BECAUSE IT SAYS THAT THIS GUY IS
BUT I'M WONDERING IF IT'S FAKE, BECAUSE IT SAYS THAT THIS GUY IS
IN EXCELLENT HEALTH. UNLESS HIS CHART SAYS "BLOOD
TYPE: THICK," I'M SKEPTICAL. >>> AFTER OPRAH WINFREY'S
GOLDEN GLOBES SPEECH, MANY IN THE PUBLIC ARE CALLING FOR A RUN
AT THE PRESIDENCY IN 2020. OH, CAN'T WE JUST HAVE A REGULAR
ONE FOR A WHILE? JUST A REGULAR BORING OLD WHITE
DUDE PRESIDENT THAT SMILES AND SHAPE SHIFTS INTO A LIZARD AT
NIGHT. I'M TIRED OF ALL THESE FUN IDEAS
FOR PRESIDENT. I MISS BORING POLITICS.
I MISS WHEN PEOPLE WOULD ASK ME, "DID YOU HEAR WHAT THE PRESIDENT
SAID? AND I'D BE LIKE, "NO!"
>>> AFTER HER ACCLAIMED GOLDEN GLOBES SPEECH,
OPRAH WINFREY IS CONSIDERING RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT.
OPRAH'S LONG-TIME PARTNER, STEDMAN GRAHAM, ADDED TO THE
RUMORS WHEN HE SAID SHE WOULD ABSOLUTELY RUN.
HERE TO EXPLAIN ARE OPRAH AND STEDMAN.
>> HELLO, AMERICA! >> YES, INDEED.
YES, INDEED. WHAT SHE SAID.
>> ALL RIGHT, LET'S START WITH THIS.
OPRAH, ARE YOU RUNNING? >> COLIN, I THOUGHT ABOUT THIS
FOR A WHILE. >> LONG TIME.
>> AND I WOULD LOVE TO GIVE YOU AN ANSWER.
>> HERE IT COMES. >> BUT I DON'T KNOW.
>> NO ANSWER TODAY. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> THIS IS AMERICA. RUNNING FOR POLITICAL OFFICE IS
TOUGH. >> SO WE'RE NOT DOING IT.
>> BUT IT WOULD BE WORTH IT TO SERVE MY COUNTRY.
>> WHICH IS WHY WE'RE DOING IT. >> NOW, OPRAH, YOU ARE ALREADY
VERY POWERFUL. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW! [ LAUGHTER ]
>> WHY WOULD YOU EVER DO THIS? >> I'LL TELL YOU, COLIN.
I NEED TO GET WHITE WOMEN BACK ON TRACK.
>> GET BACK ON THAT TRACK, WHITE WOMEN.
>> EVER SINCE I'VE BEEN OFF THE AIR THEY HAVE GOTTEN OUT OF
CONTROL. >> MM-HMM.
>> THEY VOTED FOR TRUMP. >> WHY?
>> THEY VOTED FOR ROY MOORE. >> EW.
>> THEY KEPT 12 DIFFERENT SHOWS ABOUT FLIPPING HOUSES ON THE
AIR. >> CRAZY.
>> IT'S A MESS! >> IT'S A MESS.
>> SOMEBODY NEEDS TO LOOK THESE WHITE WOMEN IN THE EYE AND SAY,
YOU DESERVE THREE OF MY FAVORITE THINGS: LOVE.
>> MM. >> RESPECT.
>> THAT'S RIGHT. >> AND A NEW PANINI MAKER.
>> YOU GET A PANINI, YOU GET A PANINI.
>> SO MANY. >> WHO ELSE IS GOING TO DO THAT
BUT ME? >> NO DAMN BODY, THAT'S WHO.
>> LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING, COLIN.
>> SURE. >> WHO BETTER TO HEAL THIS
NATION? I'M THE ONLY WOMAN IN AMERICA
WHO IS ON A FIRST-NAME BASIS WITH DR. PHIL.
>> DOCTOR. >> DR. OZ.
>> ALSO A DOCTOR. >> AND DR. DRE.
>> THE WHOLE MEDICAL COMMUNITY. >> I'M SURE YOU'D BE GREAT,
OPRAH, BUT SOME PEOPLE ARE SAYING WE DON'T NEED ANOTHER
CELEBRITY PRESIDENT. >> AND I CERTAINLY UNDERSTAND
THAT. >> YEAH, THAT IS A GOOD POINT.
>> BUT I DISAGREE. >> AND SO YOU'RE DAMN WRONG,
COLIN. >> NOW IF OPRAH WAS PRESIDENT,
WHAT WOULD YOUR ROLE BE? STEDMAN, WHAT WOULD YOUR ROLE
BE? >> WHAT?
YOU GOT A QUESTION FOR ME? WELL, MY ROLE WOULD BE SIMPLE.
I WOULD BE THE FIRST STEDMAN. >> RIGHT.
AND WHAT DOES THAT MEAN. >> TBD.
>> WELL, I THINK YOU'D BOTH BE GREAT.
OPRAH, IS THERE ANYONE OUT THERE WHO YOU THINK COULD BEAT YOU?
>> YES. THERE IS ONE THING IN MY LIFE
THAT'S BEEN ABLE TO BEAT ME. BREAD!
ALL MY LIFE I'VE LOST TO BREAD! PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME RUN AGAINST
BREAD! I HATE BREAD!
>> OPRAH AND STEDMAN, EVERYBODY. >> I'LL LET YOU KNOW, SOON.
>> LOOK OUT BREAD.
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