The White House Got Rid Of A Bad Man (No, Not Trump)

WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW," LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
I'M YOUR SHOWS STEPHEN COLBERT.
UNDER DONALD TRUMP, TERRIFYING NEWS COMES FROM THE DARNEDEST
PLACES.
THE LATEST IS FROM TONIGHT'S NEW EPISODE OF "CELEBRITY BIG
BROTHER"-- ONLY CBS.
BUT I DON'T HAVE TELL YOU, BECAUSE YOU ALL WATCHED.
WE'VE TALKED ABOUT THIS.
OKAY.
I'M GOING TO CHECK ONE DAY.
YOU WILL BE EMBARRASSED.
ONE OF THE CELEBRITY ROOMMATES ON THIS SEASON'S "CELEBRITY BIG
BROTHER" IS FORMER WHITE HOUSE ADVISOR AND WOMAN WITH SOME
NOTES FOR THE GUY MAKING HER SALAD, OMAROSA MANIGAULT-NEWMAN.
SHE WAS DISHING ABOUT HER WHITE HOUSE JOB WITH HER ROOMMATE ROSS
MATHEWS, AND IT DIDN'T SOUND LIKE A HAPPY EXPERIENCE.
>> I WAS HAUNTED BY TWEETS EVERY.
SINGLE.
DAY.
LIKE, WHAT IS HE GOING TO TWEET NEXT?
>> STEPHEN: OH, REALLY, YOU WERE HAUNTED?
OUT HERE, IT'S BEEN THE TRUMPITYVILLE HORROR.
( LAUGHTER ) ALSO, PRO TIP: WHEN YOU'RE ON A
REALITY SHOW... WHISPERING DOESN'T REALLY WORK.
TRUMP CAN HEAR YOU!
( LAUGHTER ) BUT THE MOST UPSETTING PART WAS
THIS EXCHANGE ABOUT THE STATE OF THE NATION:
>> SHOULD WE BE WORRIED?
DON'T SAY THAT, BECAUSE WE ARE WORRIED, BUT I NEED YOU TO SAY
IT'S GOING TO BE OKAY-- >> NO, IT'S GOING TO NOT BE
OKAY, IT'S NOT.
>> STEPHEN: YEAH.
( LAUGHTER ) YEAH.
I BELIEVE YOU.
( LAUGHTER ) I HAD AN INKLING THINGS WEREN'T
GOING TO BE OKAY WHEN TRUMP HIRED OMAROSA TO WORK IN THE
WHITE HOUSE.
( LAUGHTER ) THAT IS SOME DEPRESSING STUFF
FOR ADVERTISERS TO FOLLOW.
"NO, WE'RE NOT GOING TO BE OKAY.
'BIG BROTHER!' SPONSORED BY 'NEW FRUITBURST
XANAX!' IT'S LIKE NOVOCAINE FOR YOUR
BRAIN.
YUM AND NUMB."
( LAUGHTER ) OH, THE DOW DROPPED OVER 1,000
DOW POINTS AGAIN TODAY.
THAT'S THE SECOND TIME THIS WEEK.
NO ONE SAW THAT ONE COMING.
OTHER THAN OMAROSA.
( LAUGHTER ) I COULD GO FOR SOME OF THAT
FRUITBURST XANAX.
AND SO COULD THE FOLKS AT THE WHITE HOUSE, BECAUSE THERE'S
ANOTHER HUGE SCANDAL, AND IT'S NOT A FUN ONE WHERE THE
PRESIDENT GETS SPANKED BY A PORN STAR.
( LAUGHTER ) WE WERE SO INNOCENT THEN.
( LAUGHTER ) THIS ONE'S UGLY.
IT INVOLVES WHITE HOUSE STAFF SECRETARY AND GUY DEMANDING
"PAPERS, PLEASE," IN AN "INDIANA JONES" MOVIE, ROB PORTER.
PORTER RESIGNED YESTERDAY AFTER EVIDENCE SURFACED THAT HE
PHYSICALLY ABUSED HIS TWO EX-WIVES.
THESE ARE HORRIBLE, SICKENING REVELATIONS, SO THE WHITE HOUSE
HAD NO CHOICE BUT TO DEFEND HIM.
( LAUGHTER ) LIKE WHITE HOUSE CHIEF OF STAFF
AND MAN WHO HAS HAD IT WITH YOUR SHENANIGANS, GENERAL JOHN KELLY,
WHO SAID, "ROB PORTER IS A MAN OF TRUE INTEGRITY AND HONOR, AND
I CAN'T SAY ENOUGH GOOD THINGS ABOUT HIM."
YOU ACTUALLY JUST SAID TOO MANY GOOD THINGS ABOUT HIM.
AND KELLY'S NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO FEELS THAT WAY, BECAUSE EVEN
AFTER PICTURES OF PORTER'S FIRST WIFE WITH A BLACK EYE WERE
RELEASED, SENIOR OFFICIALS WERE STILL TRYING TO CONVINCE PORTER
TO, "STAY AND FIGHT."
I'M GOING TO SAY THAT'S A POOR CHOICE OF WORDS.
AND OF PRESIDENTS.
SO WHY WOULD THEY WANT HIM TO STAY AND FIGHT?
WELL, FUNNY THING, IT TURNS OUT SENIOR TRUMP AIDES KNEW FOR
MONTHS ABOUT THESE ALLEGATIONS.
WAIT A SECOND, THEY KNEW ABOUT THIS AND THEY DIDN'T FIRE HIM?
TRUMP FIRES EVERYONE.
"SPICER, YOU'RE FIRED.
PRIEBUS, YOU'RE GONE.
BANNON, BANNED.
OMAROSA, HIT THE ROAD-A.
DOMESTIC ABUSER... I LIKE YOU.
STICK AROUND."
( LAUGHTER ) I LIKE THE CUT OF YOUR JIB.
COME HERE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
YEAH.
ALWAYS SO REFRESHING WHEN TRUMP FANS ARE HERE.
( LAUGHTER ) YOU KNOW WHO TRUMP OUGHT TO FIRE
NEXT?
EVERY PERSON WHO KNEW ABOUT THIS.
AND I'M GUESSING IT'S EVERYBODY BECAUSE THE GUY DIDN'T EXACTLY
HIDE HIS TEMPER.
AFTER THE STORY BROKE, ONE WHITE HOUSE JOURNALIST SAID, "PORTER
AUDIBLY GROWLED AT ME.
I STARED HIM DOWN.
HE EXHALED LOUDLY AND WALKED INTO SARAH'S OFFICE."
HEY, WHEN YOU'RE TRYING TO CONVINCE PEOPLE YOU'RE NOT A
VIOLENT PREDATOR, MAYBE DON'T MAKE ANIMAL NOISES.
( LAUGHTER ) LOOK, LOOK, THERE'S NOTHING TO
THIS STORY, I'M TOTALLY NORMAL AND CHILL
( GROWLS ) ( LAUGHTER )
ONCE AGAIN, MORE FAKE -- ( GROWLS )
( LAUGHTER ) IS THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION SO
DESPERATE FOR PEOPLE WHO ARE EVEN MILDLY COMPETENT THAT
THEY'RE WILLING TO OVERLOOK ANYTHING?
"IT SAYS ON YOUR RESUME THAT YOU'RE A METH-DEALING CANNIBAL
HUMAN-TRAFFICKER WHO RUNS A COCK-FIGHTING RING... AND
PROFICIENT IN EXCEL.
WELCOME ABOARD!" ( LAUGHTER )
"THAT'S GOOD.
TO YOU DRIVE A STICK?" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
EARLIER TODAY, DEPUTY WHITE HOUSE PRESS SECRETARY, RAJ SHAH,
ADDRESSED THE WHITE HOUSE'S DEFENSE OF PORTER.
>> I THINK IT'S FAIR TO SAY WE ALL COULD'VE DONE BETTER OVER
THE LAST FEW HOURS, OR THE LAST FEW DAYS, IN DEALING WITH THE
SITUATION.
>> STEPHEN: I THINK THAT'S FAIR TO SAY.
IT'S ALSO FAIR TO SAY THAT THE CAPTAIN OF THE HINDENBURG SHOULD
HAVE CONSIDERED A "NO SMOKING" SIGN.
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The White House Got Rid Of A Bad Man (No, Not Trump)

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