Rudy Giuliani Isn't Helping, Star Wars Cinco Derby Party

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-Well, my guess is you either spent your weekend yelling
at a horse 'cause of the Kentucky Derby,
yelling at a bar because of Cinco de Mayo,
or if you're the President, yelling at the TV because
of Rudy Giuliani.
It's one in three.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Lately, Giuliani has been all over the TV defending
President Trump, and it hasn't been going great.
Which brings us to a new segment called,
"Rudy Giuliani isn't helping."
♪♪♪♪
-Did Michael Cohen make payments to other women
for the President?
-Uh, I would think if it was necessary, yes.
♪♪♪♪
[ Laughter ]
-Actually, on TV, Giuliani said he might tell Trump
to plead the Fifth in the Russia investigation.
Then Trump asked Giuliani, [ As Trump ] "How about you
plead the fifth right now?
Stop talking! Stop doing interviews."
[ Applause ]
[ Normal voice ] That's right, Giuliani said Trump
might plead the Fifth.
Legal experts say this would be a shocking development --
the first time in history Trump has chosen to stop talking.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Wow.
That's right, Trump could plead the Fifth, which will backfire
when he's like, [ As Trump ] "I plead the fifth.
[ Laughter ]
So I won't be talking, period.
End of story.
Starting now.
When I say, 'go,' which is almost this moment.
Right here.
I'm done. Not another word.
My lips are sealed.
[ Laughter ]
Tweet.
[ Laughter and applause ]
I had to!"
[ Normal voice ] At one point during an interview yesterday,
Giuliani was talking about Trump paying off Stormy Daniels.
And it seemed like he doesn't know the difference between
a rumor and a fact. Watch this.
-This is more rumor than it is anything else.
-Well, that's what you say.
You said that to "Buzzfeed."
But here's the real -- well, yeah, that's one of
the possibilities and one of the rumors.
The reality is --
-You stated it as fact.
-Well, maybe I did, but I -- right now, I'm at the point
where I'm learning and I can only --
I can't prove that, I can just say it's rumor.
I can prove it's rumor, but I can't prove it's fact.
[ Laughter ]
-The closed captioning guy was like, "I give up.
I don't know what the heck --
I don't know, rumor, fact? I don't know, I don't know.
Sorry, guys, help me out on this."
You guys see this today?
Trump responded to reports that he committed obstruction
by tweeting, "There is no O."
When Melania heard, she was like, "Believe me, there hasn't
been an 'O' in years."
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Whoa! Hey! Hey!
-I saw that over the weekend, Education Secretary Betsy Devos
told a group of college graduates to embrace
the mess in their lives.
By the way, "Embrace the Mess" is also
Trump's 2020 campaign slogan.
So it's interesting.
[ Cheers and applause ]
You should see it on a hat.
You guys, this weekend wasn't just about Cinco de Mayo
and the Kentucky Derby.
People also celebrated "Star Wars" day and --
[ Scattered cheers ] Yeah, May the 4th.
So -- May the Fourth be with you.
Yeah, right.
So, in Utah a pair of twins were born and their parents
named them Luke and Leia.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Everyone thought it was sweet, expect for their other son,
Jar Jar.
[ Laughter and applause ]
It was a big weekend --
Cinco de Mayo, the Kentucky Derby, and "Star Wars" Day.
A lot of people had parties for one or the other.
But one group actually had a party for all three.
Check this out.
[ Mariachi music plays ]
[ Horse whinny ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Oh, check this out.
Starting this week, every fast food chain in America
has to post calorie counts on their menus.
You can tell people are confused, 'cause today they just
read the menu like, "Uh, I'll have the Whopper 3000."
What's that?
Sounds great. Sounds delicious.
Let's get two Whopper 3000s.
The future's here!"
[ Laughter ]
The new Whopper 3000.
This is crazy here, a woman in Colorado was cited
for property -- this is a real story.
We did not make this up. -Yeah.
-A woman in Colorado was cited for property damage after
she used a 7-Eleven microwave to heat up a urine sample
and it exploded.
[ Audience groans ]
The 7-Eleven owner was like, "Lady, if you wanted hot urine,
you could have just poured yourself a coffee."
I mean, come on -- -Come on!
-That's been sitting there for four hours.
[ Applause ]
And finally, over the weekend, Chip Gaines from the HGTV show
"Fixer Upper" ran a marathon while wearing a toolbelt.
And now for the bad news, that's all he wore.
We have a great show tonight. Give it up for The Roots!
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Rudy Giuliani Isn't Helping, Star Wars Cinco Derby Party - Monologue

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