Healthcare, Puerto Rico Aid, Special Olympics: Everything Must Go!

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WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) DONALD TRUMP HAS BEEN LIVING IT
UP SINCE THE BARR REPORT ON THE MUELLER REPORT TOTALLY CLEARED
HIM OF HALF THE CHARGES.
AND THAT IS A HUGE BOOST, AND YOU CAN SEE IT IN HIS APPROVAL
RATINGS.
ON MARCH 23, THE DAY BEFORE THE MUELLER REPORT WAS DELIVERED,
TRUMP WAS AT 41.9%.
BUT TODAY, WITH THE COLLUSION CLOUD LIFTED, THAT NUMBER HAS
SOARED TO 41.9%.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WHICH IS A DIFFERENCE OF...
LET ME SEE.
41 POINT...
( LAUGHTER ) AH, NOTHING MATTERS ANYMORE.
BARR'S REPORT ON THE MUELLER REPORT CHANGED NOBODY'S MIND
ABOUT DONALD TRUMP, WHICH IS SURPRISING.
I TUNED INTO MSNBC LAST NIGHT FULLY EXPECTING TO SEE "THE
RACHEL MAGA SHOW."
( LAUGHTER ) "OKAY, IT WAS 1982 IN NEW YORK.
A YOUNG DONALD TRUMP WAS PLOWING SUPERMODELS AND, IN TURN, MAKING
EACH OF THEM GREAT AGAIN."
( LAUGHTER ) VOTERS WERE ALSO ASKED IF THEY
HAD A MORE OR LESS FAVORABLE VIEW OF TRUMP AFTER MUELLER'S
FINDINGS.
39% SAID MORE FAVORABLE, WHILE 43% SAID LESS FAVORABLE.
SO WHAT-- LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.
AFTER FINDING OUT THAT HE DIDN'T COLLUDE, PEOPLE LIKED HIM LESS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
WAIT, WAIT, I DON'T-- WHAT?
WAIT.
>> Jon: DON'T MAKE NO SENSE?
>> Stephen: NO COLLUSION?
WAIT A SECOND, I WAS HOPING HE WAS CONTROLLED BY PUTIN.
BECAUSE THAT GUY KNOWS WHAT HE'S DOING, UNLIKE PRESIDENT NUMBNUTS
OVER HERE."
STILL, BILL WIN FOR TRUMP.
I MEAN, HE HSD BEEN ROPE-A-DOPING ON THIS MUELLER
THING FOR TWO YEARS.
AND NOW HE FINALLY HAS A CHANCE TO GET ON AMERICA'S GOOD SIDE.
STEP ONE: TAKE AWAY EVERYONE'S HEALTHCARE, BECAUSE TRUMP IS
TRYING TO KILL OBAMACARE, AGAIN.
>> Audience: BOO!
(ANNOUNCER) : "MR. TRUMP, YOU'VE JUST BEEN
CLEARED OF COLLUSION.
WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO NOW?" (AS TRUMP) :
"I'M GOING TO ROLL A DIABETIC OFF A CLIFF."
( LAUGHTER ) COME ON.
COME ON, SWEETNESS.
LET'S GO."
HOW DUMB IS THIS GUY?
IN THE MIDTERMS, HE GOT HIS ASS KICKED BECAUSE HEALTH CARE WAS
THE TOP ISSUE FOR VOTERS.
(AS TRUMP) : "OW!
OW!
THAT STOVE IS HOT.
LET'S TRY THAT AGAIN WITH SOMETHING ELSE."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT'S A METAPHOR!
IT'S JUST A METAPHOR, JON.
NOBODY THINKS KILLING OBAMACARE IS A GOOD IDEA.
AS ONE G.O.P. STRATEGIST PUT IT, "THEY ARE COMPLETELY TONE DEAF.
W.T.F. IS WRONG WITH THEM?" WHAT'S WRONG WITH THEM?
WHERE T.F. DO YOU START?
( LAUGHTER ) TRUMP TAKING AWAY YOUR
HEALTHCARE IS EVEN BEING OPPOSED BY THE TWO PEOPLE WHO NOW
HAVE TO TAKE AWAY YOUR HEALTHCARE: HEALTH AND HUMAN
SERVICES SECRETARY AND MAN WHO CHANGED HIS MIND MIDWAY THROUGH
THE HAIR TRANSPLANT, ALEX AZAR, AND ATTORNEY GENERAL AND OWL WHO
WON'T TELL YOU HOW MANY LICKS IT TAKES TO GET TO THE CENTER OF
THE RUSSIA INVESTIGATION, WILLIAM BARR.
OKAY, FIRST OF ALL, BARR-- BARR-- THE ATTORNEY GENERAL--
NEW ATTORNEY GENERAL BARR, HE CLEARS TRUMP OF OBSTRUCTION OF
JUSTICE.
AND NOW HE'S GOT TO BE THE GUY WHO TAKES AWAY EVERYONE'S
HEALTHCARE?
IT EXPLAINS WHY TRUMP INTRODUCED HIM LIKE THIS:
>> I WANT TO WISH OUR NEW ATTORNEY GENERAL GREAT LUCK AND
SPEED AND ENJOY YOUR LIFE.
BILL, GOOD LUCK.
>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "YES, GOOD LUCK.
YOU'RE GONNA NEED IT, BECAUSE YOU TAKE AWAY PEOPLE'S
HEALTHCARE, THEY'RE GOING TO BE PISSED AND WITH NOTHING TO LOSE.
I'D HAVE SOMEONE ELSE START YOUR CAR FOR A WHILE."
( LAUGHTER ) SO WHY IS HE DOING IT?
WHY IS HE DOING THIS?
ACCORDING TO SENIOR ADVISERS, TRUMP "CAMPAIGNED ON REPEALING
THE HEALTH LAW.
HIS BASE OF VOTERS WOULD LOVE IT.
BESIDES, THEY ARGUED, DEMOCRATS HAVE BEEN CAMPAIGNING
SUCCESSFULLY ON HEALTH CARE, AND REPUBLICANS SHOULD TRY TO TAKE
IT OVER THEMSELVES."
WHICH MEANS HAVING A PLAN, WHICH MIGHT BE A PROBLEM, BECAUSE FOR
THE LAST NINE YEARS THEY'VE BEEN TRYING TO REPEAL OBAMACARE,
THEIR REPLACEMENT HAS BEEN "HEAVEN SEEMS NICE."
( LAUGHTER ) "DON'T YOU WANT TO MEET JESUS?"
AND SO FAR, SO FAR, THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION HAS PROVIDED NO
INDICATION IT HAD ANY SPECIFICS FOR WHAT WOULD TAKE OBAMACARE'S
PLACE.
IN FACT, MARCO RUBIO SAID OF TRUMP, "HE DIDN'T OFFER A PLAN."
(AS TRUMP) : "LISTEN, MARCO, IF I PLANNED, I
WOULDN'T HAVE HAD ERIC."
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Jon: OH!
>> Stephen: "OKAY?
THINK ABOUT THAT?
THINK?
THINK."
TRUE STORY.
BUT IT'S NOT JUST HEALTH CARE.
YESTERDAY, IN HIS MEETING WITH REPUBLICANS, TRUMP SAID HE
OPPOSES FURTHER DISASTER AID FOR BATTERED PUERTO RICO.
(AS TRUMP) : "LOOK, WHAT MORE DO THEY NEED?
THOSE PAPER TOWELS I THREW AT THEM CAN BE USED AS FOOD,
SHELTER, AND IN A PINCH, THE CARDBOARD TUBES MAKE VERY
GENEROUS LOVERS."
AND-- I'M GLAD YOU LIKED THAT ONE.
>> Jon: WHOA!
>> Stephen: I'M GLAWD LIKED THAT ONE.
I WAS ON THE FENCE, BUT NOW I'M SOLD!
OKAY.
( LAUGHTER ) OKAY, OKAY, OKAY!
THAT'S BAD!
THAT'S BAD!
ALL OF THAT STUFF IS BAD-- THE HEALTH CARE, THE PUERTO RICO,
THAT'S BAD.
BUT IT'S NOT CARTOON VILLAIN BAD.
IF YOU WANT CARTOON VILLAIN BAD, LOOK NO FURTHER THAN SECRETARY
OF EDUCATION AND WOMAN-- ( BOOING )
WOMAN APPALLED THAT YOU CHRISTENED YOUR YACHT WITH
DOMESTIC CHAMPAGNE, BETSY DEVOS.
DEVOS WENT BEFORE CONGRESS YESTERDAY TO DEFEND AT LEAST
$7 BILLION IN PROPOSED CUTS TO EDUCATION PROGRAMS.
YEAH!
NOW, NOW, NOW, NOW!
THESE KIDS HAVE HAD IT TOO GOOD FOR TOO LONG.
CRAYONS AND COLORED PENCILS?
WHAT'S NEXT, MARKERS?!
I SAY WE SHOULD GO BACK TO THE OLD DAYS WHERE EVERY CHILD
QUARRIES THEIR OWN SLATE; THEY ARE ISSUED A SINGLE PIECE OF
CHALK, AND WHEN IT RUNS OUT, YOU'RE DONE WITH
SCHOOL!
BACK TO THE TEXTILE MILL!
CHANGE SOME BOBBINS!
YOU'RE TOO GOOD FOR BOBBINS?
BUT IT GETS WORSE.
THEY'RE PROPOSING MILLIONS OF DOLLARS IN CUTS TO PROGRAMS FOR
STUDENTS WHO ARE BLIND AND ELIMINATING ALL FEDERAL FUNDING
FOR THE SPECIAL OLYMPICS.
>> Audience: NO!
>> Stephen: NOW, OBVIOUSLY, IT WOULD BE EASY TO SAY THAT THAT'S
EVIL.
BUT IT WOULD ALSO BE ACCURATE.
THEN, THEN-- ( APPLAUSE )
WHAT HAVE WE GOT?
HEALTH CARE, DISASTER RELIEF, CHILDREN.
THEN, THERE'S GLOBAL WARMING.
TRUMP OPPOSES THE DEMOCRATS' GREEN NEW DEAL, WHICH PROPOSES
CUTTING GREENHOUSE GAS EMISSIONS TO NET ZERO BY 2050.
THAT'S AMBITIOUS.
NOW, THE PLAN SAYS NOTHING ABOUT GETTING RID OF CARS OR AIRPLANES
OR CATTLE.
OR AS DONALD TRUMP PUT IT: >> I REALLY DON'T LIKE THEIR
POLICY OF TAKING AWAY YOUR CAR, OF TAKING AWAY YOUR AIRPLANE
FLIGHT.
YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO OWN CARS ANYMORE.
>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "NO AIRPLANE FLIGHTS, NO COWS,
NOT TO MENTION FLYING COWS.
HOW ARE THEY GOING TO JUMP OVER THE MOON NOW?
THAT'S WHY I'M CALLING FOR SPACE COW FORCE.
ALL RIGHT?
IT'S TIME TO RETURN TO THE MOOOOON!

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Healthcare, Puerto Rico Aid, Special Olympics: Everything Must Go!

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