Meanwhile... NASA Only Has Man Suits

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YOU KNOW, JON, JUST A MOMENT AGO YOU SAW ME OVER THERE.
>> Jon: YEAH, YEAH, RIGHT THERE.
>> Stephen: UNPACKING AN OVERSIZED ROLLER BAG OF BIG NEWS
STORIES.
BUT SOMETIMES, WHEN I TRAVEL OVER HERE TO MY DESK, I LIKE TO
BRING A LITTLE CARRY-ON OF NEWS STORIES THAT ARE THREE OUNCES OR
LESS AND I STOW THEM IN THE OVERHEAD BIN THAT IS MY
SEGMENT...
"MEANWHILE."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) MEANWHILE!
IT GIVES HOPE.
MEANWHILE GIVES HOPE TO A TROUBLED NATION.
>> Jon: THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Stephen: MEANWHILE, IN SPAC NEWS, NASA HAS CANCELED ITS
FIRST-EVER ALL-FEMALE SPACEWALK "CITING THE LACK OF A SPACESUIT
IN THE RIGHT SIZE."
SO, APPARENTLY, WE PICK OUR FEMALE ASTRONAUTS THE SAME WAY
WE PICK OUR ROCKETTES.
(AS PRODUCER) : "LOOK, TOOTS, IF YOU WANT TO
WALK IN SPACE, YOU GOT TO FIT THE COSTUME.
WHAT DO YOU WANT?" ACCORDING TO NASA, BOTH WOMEN
WOULD NEED A SIZE MEDIUM, "BUT ONLY ONE IS READILY AVAILABLE."
SHOULDN'T NASA'S SIZING BE MORE SPECIALIZED THAN A BOX OF FREE
T-SHIRTS?
"UH, THIS IS HOUSTON.
WE DON'T HAVE ANY MEDIUMS LEFT, BUT WE DO HAVE AN XXL.
YOU COULD SLEEP IN IT."
( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, IN ARNOLD
SCHWARZENEGGER CHASING A MINI PONY WHILE RIDING A BICYCLE TO
TOBEY KEITH'S "SHOULDA BEEN A COWBOY" NEWS...
♪ I SHOULD HAVE BEEN A COWBOY I SHOULD HAVE LEARNED TO ROPE
AND RIDE ♪ >> COME HERE LITTLE HORSE I WANT
TO RIDE YOUR BACK.
I LAUGH SO HARD THAT YOU ARE RUNNING AWAY FROM ME ON MY
BICYCLE.
AND YOU ARE SMALL PONY THAT WAS BRED AS A DISTORTED VISION OF
WHAT A HORSE SHOULD BE.
AND YOU LOOKING SO SCARED AS I CHASE YOU MAKES ME LAUGH.
HASTA LA VISTA, PONY."
MEANWHILE, "BATMAN VERSUS SUPERMAN" DIRECTOR ZACH
SNYDER HAS A RESPONSE FOR CRITICS WHO DIDN'T LIKE THAT THE
HEROES IN HIS MOVIE KILLED PEOPLE.
IN SHORT: "BATMAN KILLS.
SUPERMAN KILLS.
GET OVER IT."
SOMEONE SAYS TO ME: BATMAN KILLED A GUY.
I'M LIKE, WAKE THE (BLEEP) UP.'" (BLEEP)
ZACH, THESE ARE BELOVED CHILDREN'S CHARACTERS.
(AS ZACH) : "AQUA MAN SELLS OPIATES, AND THE
FLASH IS A HUMAN TRAFFICKER.
WALK IT OFF!
THE WHOLE JUSTICE LEAGUE IS ADDICTED TO SNUFF PORN.
GROW UP!" ( LAUGHTER )
>> Jon: WOW!
>> Stephen: MEANWHILE, "CHINA HAS CENSORED THE GAY SCENES FROM
'BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY.'" "A SCENE OF TWO MEN KISSING, THE
WORD 'GAY,' AND A CLIP OF THE MAIN CHARACTER DRESSED IN
WOMEN'S CLOTHING WERE REMOVED."
THAT IS TERRIBLE.
BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THE CHINESE GOVERNMENT'S VERSION OF "CALL ME
BY YOUR NAME."
>> HEY, THERE, OLIVER.
>> HOW YOU DOING?
>> NICE TO MEET YOU.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: MEANWHILE, A VERIZON EMPLOYEE RESCUED A CAT WHO HAD
BEEN STUCK ON TOP OF A TELEPHONE POLE FOR ROUGHLY 12 HOURS.
THAT'S A LONG TIME.
BUT THEN, THE VERIZON GUY DID SAY HE'D BE THERE BETWEEN
8:00 A.M. AND MIDNIGHT.
( LAUGHTER ) HERE IS THE EMPLOYEE IN
QUESTION.
I THINK WE CAN ALL AGREE THAT THIS MAN IS A HERO.
SADLY, HIS EMPLOYER DID NOT.
AFTER VERIZON FOUND OUT, THE WORKER WAS SUSPENDED FO
( BOOING ) VIOLATING SAFETY PROTOCOLS.
SOUNDS BACK, BUT MAKES SENSE GIVEN VERIZON'S SLOGAN,
"VERIZON: LET THE CAT DIE."
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH CHARLES BARKLEY.

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Meanwhile... NASA Only Has Man Suits

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