Weekend Update: The Mueller Report

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♪♪♪ >>> IT'S "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH
COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE. >> WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE."
I'M MICHAEL CHE. >> I'M COLIN JOST.
WELL, THIS WEEK MADE ME FEEL INSANE.
[ LAUGHTER ] ALL THE PEOPLE I WAS TOLD WERE
BAD GUYS ALL GOT AWAY WITH IT. DONALD TRUMP, JUSSIE SMOLLETT,
AND WORST OF ALL, DUKE. THE BIG STORY, OF COURSE, WAS
THAT WHITE O.J. WAS NOT INDICTED FOR COLLUSION AND THAT
ROBERT MUELLER DID NOT REACH A CONCLUSION ABOUT WHETHER TRUMP
OBSTRUCTED JUSTICE OR NOT. OR, AS WAS REPORTED ON FOX
NEWS -- ♪ CELEBRATE GOOD TIMES
COME ON ♪♪♪ [ LAUGHTER ]
I HAVEN'T SEEN FOX NEWS ANCHORS SMILE LIKE THAT SINCE I.C.E.
AGENTS PULLED INTO A HOME DEPOT PARKING LOT.
SO TRUMP FOUND OUT HE'S NOT GETTING INDICTED IN THE RUSSIA
INVESTIGATION. AND I'M SURE THAT HE WAS
GRATEFUL THAT IT WAS ALL OVER, AND HE'S JUST READY TO PUT IT
BEHIND HIM AND MOVE ON. >> ALL OF THE DEMOCRAT
POLITICIANS, THEY HAVE TO BE ACCOUNTABLE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> WOW.
IT'S LIKE IF SCROOGE WOKE UP CHRISTMAS MORNING, DISCOVERED HE
HAD A SECOND CHANCE AT LIFE, THEN FOUND TINY TIM AND TOOK A
CROWBAR TO HIS GOOD LEG. [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
>> OH, MAN, I CAN'T BELIEVE I ACTUALLY THOUGHT FOR A
SECOND THAT THE FBI WAS GOING TO LOCK UP THE SITTING PRESIDENT OF
THE UNITED STATES SIMPLY BECAUSE HE WAS GUILTY.
[ LAUGHTER ] I THINK IT'S BECAUSE I'M AROUND
WHITE PEOPLE ALL THE TIME AND WHITE PEOPLE HAVE THIS THING I
CALL TOXIC OPTIMISM, WHERE YOU JUST ALWAYS BELIEVE THINGS ARE
THINGS LIKE YOU CAN GET INTO COLLEGE BECAUSE OF YOUR MOTHER'S
AUNT BECKY. I'M SURE AUNT VIV'S KIDS DON'T
HAVE THAT MUCH OPTIMISM. BLACK PEOPLE JUST ARE NOT THAT
OPTIMISTIC. I SAID THE PHRASE CHECKS AND
BALANCES TO A BLACK LADY, AND SHE ROLLED HER EYES AT ME FOR SO
LONG, I THOUGHT SHE FELL ASLEEP. >> AND NOW THAT THE RUSSIA PROBE
IS OVER, FORMER WHITE HOUSE ADVISER AND THE GHOST OF RUSSELL
CROWE, STEVE BANNON, BELIEVES THAT PRESIDENT TRUMP WILL,
QUOTE, COME OFF THE CHAINS AND GO FULL ANIMAL.
MUCH MAYBE THAT'S WHAT HE WAS DOING AT THIS WEEK'S RALLY IN
MICHIGAN. TAKE A LOOK.
>> THE COLLUSION DELUSION IS OVER.
TOTAL EXONERATION. COMPLETE VINDICATION.
LITTLE PENCIL-NECK ADAM SCHIFF. HE'S NOT A LONG BALL HITTER.
THEY CAME FROM THE VALLEYS. THEY CAME FROM THE MOUNTAINS.
THEY CAME OUT OF THE DAMN RIVERS.
I HAVE A BETTER EDUCATION THAN THEM.
I'M SMARTER THAN THEM. AND I'M PRESIDENT AND THEY'RE
NOT. I SUPPORT THE GREAT LAKES.
[ LAUGHTER ] ALWAYS HAVE.
THEY'RE BEAUTIFUL. THEY'RE DEEP.
VERY DEEP. RECORD DEEPNESS, RIGHT?
[ LAUGHTER ] >> HE'S BACK BE, BABY!
[ LAUGHTER ] I GUESS HE HAS GONE FULL ANIMAL
IN THE SENSE THOSE AREN'T HUMAN SENTENCES.
[ LAUGHTER ] AND BY THE WAY, HE'S ABSOLUTELY
CRUSHING WITH THAT CROWD. AND YOU KNOW THEY MUST REALLY
LOVE HIM, BECAUSE THEY SAT THROUGH THIS OPENING ACT.
>> AND FOR THIS WEEK AND THIS WEEK ALONE, MAGA STANDS FOR
SOMETHING A LITTLE DIFFERENT. MICHAEL AVENATTI GOT ARRESTED!
MAGA! >> SO -- IMAGINE BEING A
HARD-WORKING MIDWEST TRUMP SUPPORTER AND
HAVING TO LISTEN TO A RICH, SOFT HANDED DUD READ YOU HIS BAD
TWEETS FOR 20 MINUTES. [ LAUGHTER ]
IT'S LIKE PAYING TO SEE METALLICA, BUT FIRST YOU GOT TO
LISTEN TO SOME POEMS BY THEIR KIDS.
[ LAUGHTER ] >>> ON FRIDAY PRESIDENT TRUMP
THREATENED TO CLOSE THE BORDER WITH MEXICO NEXT WEEK SAYING
THAT, "WE HAVE RUN OUT OF SPACE TO HOLD MIGRANTS."
OKAY, BUT HEAR ME OUT. WYOMING.
[ LAUGHTER ] HOW CAN AMERICA RUN OUT OF
SPACE? WE STILL GOT TWO DAKOTAS LEFT.
[ LAUGHTER ] MOST COUNTRIES DON'T EVEN HAVE
ONE.

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Weekend Update: The Mueller Report - SNL

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