Trump Tweets About Puerto Rico, Male Birth Control

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-Let's get to the news.
President Trump tweeted last night,
"The people of Puerto Rico are great.
But the politicians are incompetent or corrupt."
And it's true. It's true.
I mean, have you seen their president?
[ Laughter ]
President Trump said in a tweet last night
that the Republican Party will
"be known as the party of great healthcare."
He misspelled "healthcare."
[ Laughter ]
Also, it turns out this whole time,
he's actually wanted to build a whale.
[ Laughter ]
White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders
told reporters today that closing the southern border
"isn't our first choice."
Then again, neither was Sarah Huckabee Sanders.
[ Laughter ]
President -- [ Cheers and applause ]
President Trump told reporters today that his father was
"born in a very wonderful place in Germany,"
when his father was actually born in New York.
[ Laughter ]
But yeah, let's wait and see what's in the Mueller report.
[ Laughter ]
Presidential hopeful Bernie Sanders announced today
that he has raised over $18 million
in the first quarter of his campaign.
So now he's no longer voting for himself.
[ As Bernie Sanders ] We cannot have this country
run by millionaires!
[ Laughter ]
[ Normal voice ] Today was Equal Pay Day.
And since this joke was written by a woman,
we are getting our monies.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
According to a new study,
drinking one bottle of wine a week
has the same effect on your body as smoking 10 cigarettes.
Said Kathie Lee and Hoda [Raspy] "Welcome to the 'Today' show."
[ Laughter ]
A couple in Ohio was arrested last week
after having sex inside of a gondola
on a 150-foot observation wheel.
The couple could face up to 30 questions
from the kid in the gondola behind them.
[ Laughter ]
Catholic priests in Poland recently held a book burning
for things they considered sacrilegious,
which included several Harry Potter novels.
Said J.K. Rowling, "You're going to burn all of them
once I reveal everyone's true sexuality.
[ Laughter ]
There are more surprises to come."
Kellogg foods announced yesterday
it has sold its popular brand Keebler cookies.
Sadly, they sold it to a logging company.
[ Audience groans ]
[ Laughter ]
Researchers from NASA and the European Space Agency
are seeking female applicants for a study on weightlessness
that will pay women $19,000 to lie in bed for 60 days.
Said Trump, "Wow, I paid like seven times that for one day."
[ Cheers and applause ]
Researchers at the University of Washington
believe they've developed a hormonal birth-control method
that could be safe to use.
It could replace the current male birth-control method,
"Fortnite."
[ Laughter ]
-Let's get to the news.
President Trump tweeted last night,
"The people of Puerto Rico are great.
But the politicians are incompetent or corrupt."
And it's true. It's true.
I mean, have you seen their president?
[ Laughter ]
President Trump said in a tweet last night
that the Republican Party will
"be known as the party of great healthcare."
He misspelled "healthcare."
[ Laughter ]
Also, it turns out this whole time,
he's actually wanted to build a whale.
[ Laughter ]
White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders
told reporters today that closing the southern border
"isn't our first choice."
Then again, neither was Sarah Huckabee Sanders.
[ Laughter ]
President -- [ Cheers and applause ]
President Trump told reporters today that his father was
"born in a very wonderful place in Germany,"
when his father was actually born in New York.
[ Laughter ]
But yeah, let's wait and see what's in the Mueller report.
[ Laughter ]
Presidential hopeful Bernie Sanders announced today
that he has raised over $18 million
in the first quarter of his campaign.
So now he's no longer voting for himself.
[ As Bernie Sanders ] We cannot have this country
run by millionaires!
[ Laughter ]
[ Normal voice ] Today was Equal Pay Day.
And since this joke was written by a woman,
we are getting our monies.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
According to a new study,
drinking one bottle of wine a week
has the same effect on your body as smoking 10 cigarettes.
Said Kathie Lee and Hoda [Raspy] "Welcome to the 'Today' show."
[ Laughter ]
A couple in Ohio was arrested last week
after having sex inside of a gondola
on a 150-foot observation wheel.
The couple could face up to 30 questions
from the kid in the gondola behind them.
[ Laughter ]
Catholic priests in Poland recently held a book burning
for things they considered sacrilegious,
which included several Harry Potter novels.
Said J.K. Rowling, "You're going to burn all of them
once I reveal everyone's true sexuality.
[ Laughter ]
There are more surprises to come."
Kellogg foods announced yesterday
it has sold its popular brand Keebler cookies.
Sadly, they sold it to a logging company.
[ Audience groans ]
[ Laughter ]
Researchers from NASA and the European Space Agency
are seeking female applicants for a study on weightlessness
that will pay women $19,000 to lie in bed for 60 days.
Said Trump, "Wow, I paid like seven times that for one day."
[ Cheers and applause ]
Researchers at the University of Washington
believe they've developed a hormonal birth-control method
that could be safe to use.
It could replace the current male birth-control method,
"Fortnite."
[ Laughter ]

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Trump Tweets About Puerto Rico, Male Birth Control - Monologue

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